Table of Contents

Newcomer’s Corner

Boundaries 101
by Merytanpu

“What are boundaries anyway?” That’s what you may be asking yourself right now. “What are they, and what is an article on boundaries doing in a Pagan newsletter?”

Boundaries are probably best defined not by what they are but what they do. Casting a circle creates a boundary that separates the mundane world from the world of spirit. The circle, in the words of one traditional casting, is “A meeting place of love and truth; a shield against all wickedness and evil; and a rampart and protection to preserve and contain the energy raised within.”

Boundaries, then, have a threefold function, to define, to protect, and to preserve. Just as a Pagan group casts a circle to define ritual space, to protect against intruders and to contain energy, it is also necessary for that group to set boundaries on a mundane level, to separate acceptable behavior from unacceptable behavior.

Even more important is the need for every person in the group, not only to uphold the group’s boundaries, but to set some of his or her own, to define his or her identity, to protect himself or herself from manipulation and control by others, and to preserve his or her time and energy. In order for people to assert their wills and set those boundaries, it’s necessary to think about what their wills are, what they will and will not do, what they do and do not want, what alternatives they might have in a given situation.

Many of us are afraid to assert our wills and set appropriate boundaries. Maybe because we never learned how, or because we’re afraid of being punished, or because, especially if we’re women, the culture we live in discourages us from doing so. Unfortunately when we fail to assert our own wills, we are vulnerable to others who would impose their wills on us.

Setting boundaries is not about coercion, threats, or power over others, it’s about strengthening the will and developing power from within (Dreaming the Dark, p. 43). Power from within develops from the ability to control our own lives and choices, to face our own fears and limitations, to keep commitments, and to be honest (Spiral Dance, p. 51). If you spend most of your time and energy doing things you don’t want to do, with people you don’t want to see, over time this erodes your sense of personal power. Setting boundaries is necessary on an individual level to reclaim that power (Breitman and Hatch, p. 6).

Boundaries can be divided into three types, physical, psychological, and spiritual. A physical boundary defines your personal space, and allows you to control how you are touched and how close people come to you. No one has a right to touch another person without consent. A psychological boundary defines your right not to be analyzed, shamed, manipulated, coerced, or deceived. You have the right to say “No,” and to have that “No” respected without having to explain or defend yourself. A spiritual boundary defines your right to be treated with respect. It is violated when one person objectifies, stereotypes or defines another person as “worth less.” Racism, sexism, and homophobia are the best-known examples of spiritual boundary violations.

Some examples of boundaries you might set – and have a right to set – in a Pagan circle include: Saying “No” to physical contact. Saying “No” to unsolicited advice. Saying “No” to socializing outside the group. Saying “No” to requests for help. Saying you don’t want to talk in the group. Voicing dissatisfaction with the group.
Saying “No” to flirtation or sexual advances. Changing your mind about being in the group (Kasl 234-241). Whatever boundaries you decide to set for yourself, they’re there as your personal “shield against all wickedness and evil,” your “rampart and protection to preserve and contain your power within.” Group boundaries keep the circle strong, personal boundaries keep the people in the circle strong.